Profilectlx.Carlene Tan Li Xuan 11th July 1988. Currently 23+. Studied in St. Anthony's Canossian Primary and Secondary School, SRJC (first 3 months), TPJC, NUS FASS (econs). loves family, friends, chocs, western desserts, yellow, etc etc.
TagboardShoutMix chat widget
ArchivesJune 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 October 2008 February 2009 April 2009 May 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 October 2010 July 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 March 2012
CreditsLayout by yours faithfully at blogskinsnote: links are the colourful boxes on the right of this column. :) |
abigail allison amanda boot caroline shuling/a> charlotte desiree diana felicia gloria jillian jingfang patrina kenneth kR mag michelle minfeng regina sharon si hui stella vanessa ya yin yan qing cin mei yi celine andy rachel benedict blogger blogskins chatter box |
Saturday, November 27, 2004great, it's been 2, as in TWO days since i burnt myself and the redness is still not going away, how crappy is that... and i honestly think i must do something bout those phrases of mine... my dad's picking on me every single min, now how crappy is that... dear dear...anyway, i was holy today, i went to the temple with my mum this morning, and prayed to many many saints of whom i knew only say 2? yup... i knew i prayed to the earth god, he helps to chase backstabbers away and i prayed specifically for tt, no fear, if i didn't remember wrongly, i included all of u too... yup yup... nice me... my mum's sick, i know i ought to be a little more anxious but somehow i ain't... gosh, evil me... i'm going out on monday!!!! yuppie!!! i can finally finally get to see all my singma friends again, man do i miss them... and i'm lonely, i'm a lonely lil angel pig cause there's no one around to talk to me... i am looking forward to the 30th of nov.... haish... but anyway monday comes first so ya... hehe... 1 last thing before i disappear, just wanted to share this old old song as i was flipping through my lyrics... yup, it's "damaged" by erm... oh! TLC.. yup yup... I know I’m kinda strange, to you sometimes Don’t always say, what’s on my mind You know that I’ve been hurt, by some guy But I don’t wanna mess up this time [bridge] And I really really really care And I really really really want you And I think I’m kinda scared Cos I don’t want to lose you If you really really really care Then maybe you can hang through I hope you understand It’s nothing to you [chorus] My heart’s at a low I’m so much to manage I think you should know that I’ve been damaged I’m falling in love There’s one disadvantage I think you should know that I’ve been damaged I might look through your stuff, for what I don’t wanna find Or I might just set you up, to see if you’re all mine I’m a little paranoid, from what I’ve been through Don’t know what you got yourself into And I really really really care (and I care about you so much) And I really really really want you (I really do want you) And I think I’m kinda scared (but I’m scared with every touch) Cos I don’t want to lose you (cos I don’t want to lose you) If you really really really care (if you care for me like you say) Then maybe you can hang through (then maybe you can hang through) I hope you understand (I hope you understand) It’s nothing to you (it’s nothing to you, you) My heart’s at a low (low) I’m so much to manageI think you should know that (I think you should know) I’ve been damaged I’m falling in love (I’m falling in love) There’s one disadvantage I think you should know that I’ve been damaged (I think you should know that) My heart’s at a low I’m so much to manage (I’m so much to manage) I think you should know that (I think you should know that) I’ve been damaged (I’ve been damaged) I’m falling in love (I love you so) There’s one disadvantage (I love you so) I think you should know that I’ve been damaged And I really really really want you And I think I’m kinda scared Cos I don’t want to lose you If you really really really care Then maybe you can hang through I hope you understand It’s nothing to you (it’s nothing to you) My heart’s at a low I’m so much to manage I think you should know that (ooh I think you should know I’ve been damaged) I’ve been damaged (I’ve been damaged baby) I’m falling in love (falling in love with you baby, yeah) There’s one disadvantage I think you should know that I’ve been damaged My heart’s at a low I’m so much to manage I think you should know that I’ve been damaged I’m falling in love There’s one disadvantage I think you should know that I’ve been damaged i think this song kinda summed up all i've felt through the past months, i suppose insecure would be a good word, not sure if i still feel that way but how i wish i could turn back time change what i did so i won't be regretting now... but then again, maybe God planned it to turn out the way it is so i'll be stronger... i really don't know, but all i want now is to chase this stupid feeling away... Friday, November 26, 2004i do feel a little better today, thanks for all who showed concern, and ya, i regretted even trying to turn to some, felt more like i was talking to the wall... anyhow, at least now i do know who are the ones i can really rely upon, always like that you know, can't have a fixed list one... irritating... but anyway old ones go and new ones come rite... yup yup...so ya, quite sad though, but anyway, i'm having quite some fun teasing some people, hehe... though its quite mean but anyway, they really are not telling some stuff huh... *shakes head* how can you all be like that... * wags finger* hehe... meanwhile i think all of us are just having fun teasing them don't you think... hehe... though i really look forward to my koala bear to come back so i have some reinforcement and protection... keke... anyway, i hope this bear of mine stays... oh well, only time will tell i suppose... anyway... off i go... tata! oh! and my hair!!! you know i look like a lion now, and gosh, thinking of that pleased look on the hairdressers face, it's rather ironic... yep... oh plus i look like a chili crab right now with that burnt skin of mine, honesly, i don't think i've ever been so burnt in my life... but ya, i really look edible... anyone keen? hehe kidding... yup... that's all... ciao! Thursday, November 25, 2004sounds like i'm love sick... well not really just utterly disappointed in my mum...i always thought families were the most important, i declared to everyone that my family is and will always be my top priority... but now i find myself totally stumped because my family, as in MY MUM wants me to be kidnapped, know why? cause she don't want me to spend all her money away... some mum i have huh... you know, i wanted to shout in her face, i wanted to scream "i don't even want to be here, i'd much rather i've been killed!" but did i say that, of course not, why? cause i don't want things to get any worse. i hid in my toilet, cried while i bathed. i couldn't understand. well it all started this morning... i made an appointment with desir and bernie to swim, and we were suppose to meet at 9, i had to lend bernie a pair of goggles so i told my dad to get 1 out of where he had kept all the extras, but as usual, her forgot. initially, i couldn't find the box, so i called my mum and she said to give her 5 mins and as usual, the silly me thought, "maybe if i found the box, she wouldn't need to wake up", and i found it, so i went in to tell her, and guess what, she lost her temper, accused me of wanting to get new ones to lend etc etc. haish, i told you i was stupid. and what's better, she claims i wouldn't even allow her 5 more mins of sleep. oh come on! and to think i wanted her to sleep in longer. well it's not i didn't tell her, it just didn't penetrate through that thick skull of hers. oh well, never mind, so i just went swimming. i made an appointment with desir and bernie to swim, and we were suppose to meet at 9, i had to lend bernie a pair of goggles so i told my dad to get 1 out of where he had kept all the extras, but as usual, her forgot. initially, i couldn't find the box, so i called my mum and she said to give her 5 mins and as usual, the silly me thought, "maybe if i found the box, she wouldn't need to wake up", and i found it, so i went in to tell her, and guess what, she lost her temper, accused me of wanting to get new ones to lend etc etc. haish, i told you i was stupid. and what's better, she claims i wouldn't even allow her 5 more mins of sleep. oh come on! and to think i wanted her to sleep in longer. well it's not i didn't tell her, it just didn't penetrate through that thick skull of hers. oh well, never mind, so i just went swimming. ah, and guess what interesting event lied ahead, my mum actually poured out her woes to her friends at the florist, not that i mind, but the best part was, i stupidly went to look for her and all her friends were there, that explained those wierd stares i recieved, never mind about that, in the end, what did i get, pity looks, fake smiles and a lecture. already i was preventing myself from making a major outburst and just listening to those lectures, surpressing my anger in fact... and i looked like a fool. thanks mum for embarressing me. okay, back home, dad came home, i went to cut my hair. got the cold shoulder from mum, never mind, came back and heard that freaking statement, and ya, continues as stated in the beginning. after the bath, i headed straight for my room, called all the pals hoping 1 could be my listening ear, unfortunately my unswornie swornie sis was at ballet, mei yi was asleep, si hui not at home, polar bear at the airport, and of course, my koala bear at camp. my sis wasn't home either, xue ling was at her angklung chalet and i was practically deserted. but never mind, i just cried anyway. thank goodness si hui called, but not from her home, which made me feel kinda guilty when it comes to the phone bills, but ya, thanks for talking to me. I’m all right now, though I think I really scared si hui cause I kept saying I wanted to kill myself… but ya I really did, I really wanted to just jump off my house. And a penknife was just in front, I could simply have taken it and sliced myself, but I didn’t, and I don’t know why… maybe it’s cause I kept thinking back of how I counseled people, and perhaps that prevented me from committing suicide. Okay and so I cried till my eyes buldged, and ya, I hid at a corner of my room, and here comes the other interesting part of the story, my parents found me and guess what was their first statement. “what’s wrong with you”. Actually I had already stopped crying but you know, when they said that, tears just flowed out uncontrollably. I couldn’t understand, I mean here I am, crying my eyes out and there you think I’m crazy! What’s wrong with them? Argh!!!! I was so f***ing pissed I refused to say anything throughout dinner. Looked away, stood as far away. And my mum still had the cheek to make noise, whining as if the world had owed her something, acting sympathetic. When will she ever change her style. And she kept threatening to leave the house but you know what, I don’t think that would be necessary, soon, I’ll just walk out of I’ll just kill myself. Simple yeah? I’m still pissed and upset, I’m still thinking of how long more I would last in this household. But for now, I’m alright, if anyone wants to know, and I will look you up if I ever need anyone to lean on… so ya… meanwhile I wish everyone would have a totally different story to tell from mine and enjoy your hols to its fullest. Take care!!! Saturday, November 20, 2004yuppie!!! after 4 years of hard work, of using up brain juice, everything's finally over!!! oh gosh, isn't that great... i can finally really breathe and sleep in peace... oh gosh, this sense of relief is overwhelming... ah...oh but for those whose still having exams, just hold on, 2 more days... and you're over and done with this sickening thing yae... okay, a lots happen... as in a lot... i feel relieved yet anxious... oh gosh... i'm so freaking worried for my juniors who seem to not care... haish... now i have nothing left to say maybe except i'm gonna miss 4/7!!!!! we rock!!!! thanks for deciding to donate that small amount of money to st. mags fund... hope we'll have some sort of a gathering soon... or maybe we should just all go to adeline's chalet hm... oh and i miss all my other sec 4 and 3 friends i haven't seem for some time... gotta catch up with all those lost times... oh! and i gotta help my mummy with the housework, now i'll have no further excuse not to help... haish... anyway i'm going for a family treasure hunt tommorrow! how cool is that, and i'm gonna decorate my car tonight cos we gotta paste the stickers of those companies who sponsered this treasure hunt thing... so ya... well i'm excited... hehe... oh well that's all for now... see you pple soon! Saturday, November 13, 2004Dear diary,i forgot to print it out loud on my blog cause it was my sis's birhtday 2 days ago! HAPPIE BIRTHDAY SIS!!! YOU"RE OLD!!! keke.. but then again she won't read so ya... no point.. oh i can finally proclaim, i'm done with being sick!!! and i didn't even visit the doc!!! how cool is that... hehe... okay except that now my voice doesn't seem to work... but that's another thing.. so anyway... hehe... i'm over being sick i'm over being sick... great i think i just failed to make myself happy... quite dumb ya, i mean one moment i'm sounding hysterically happy when actually i'm super down, how stupid can that get... you know, i think i'm losing all emotions, i don't seem to feel anymore. i'm hurt, but i can't cry, when i'm angry, i can't scream, BUT when i'm happy, it always shows, but somehow i don't feel it. well maybe it's just that i'm such a happy go-lucky child that people never think there's anything wrong with me, maybe i should keep it that way, wouldn't it be better? then maybe the people i wanted to turn to can go help others worse than me... hm... okay! i've decided! whoever's reading this, pls take it as i'm happy, i'm perfectly happy with whatever's going on... =) i should be able to cope alone till the end of next week... cindy has abandoned me!!! she left on a cruise!!! *wails* i'm all alone, all alone all alone on this island... sob sob... 3/4 of the people i turn to having o's now... great... and the one and only unswornie swornie sister of mine has left me!!! and she'll leave me again! mei yi too! cheryl too! and all my goody friends from class too!!! i'm all alone! all alone on this little island!!! sob sob... if anyone's still around tell me!!! i'm going to have to turn to you for a while while all my dear old friends leave me!!! sob sob... okay, enough of whining.. ew... in fact i found it totally disgusting but anyway it's true, they're all leaving me... okay okay gotta go mug now, i've got 5 more papers, 3 more days!!! yuppie!!! oh and for those who end paper's on the 23rd, hang in there k... you can join me in 4 days after i finish on the 19th... and to all those taking the o's, let's dash through the finish line together and leave the school! hehe... good luck to one and all! oh and just to leave behind this song "my b00" bby alicia keys and ursher... this song rocks man... (Intro)There’s always that one person that will always have your heart You never see it coming cause you’re blinded from the start Know that you’re that one for me it’s clear for everyone to see Ooh baby (you will always be my boo) (Alicia Keys Rap) I don’t know about y’all but I know about us and It’s the only way we know how to rock I don’t know about y’all but I know about us and It’s the only way we know how to rock (Usher verse) Do you remember girl I was the one that gave you your first kiss Cause I remember girl I was the one who said put your lips like this Even before all the fame and people screamin your name Girl I was there and you were my baby (Chorus Usher) It started when we were younger you were mine (my boo) Now another brother's taken over but it’s still in you’re eyes (my boo) Even though we use to argue it’s all right (my boo) I know we haven’t seen each other in a while But you will always be my boo (Chorus Alicia Keys) I was in love with you when we were younger you were mine (my boo) When I see you from time to time I still feel like (my boo) (that's my baby) You can see it no matter how I try to hide (my boo) (i can't hide it) And even though there’s another man who’s in my life You will always be my boo (Alicia Keys) Yes I remember boy cause after we kissed I can only think about you’re lips Yes I remember boy the moment I knew You were the one I could spend my life with Even before all the fame and people screamin your name I was there and you were my baby (Chorus Usher) It started when we were younger you were mine (my boo) (you were mine) Now another brother's taken over but it’s still in you’re eyes (my boo) (yes it is) Even though we use to argue it’s all right (my boo) (it's all right, it's ok) I know we haven’t seen each other in a whileBut you will always be my boo (Chorus Alicia Keys) I was in love with you when we were younger you were mine (you were my boo) (my boo) When I see you from time to time I still feel like (my boo) You can see it no matter how I try to hide (my boo)(it's all right now, it's ok) And even though there’s another man who’s in my life (what we have is in each other) You will always be my boo (Hook Usher & Alicia Keys) My oh my oh my oh my oh my boo My oh my oh my oh my oh my boo (Chorus Usher) It started when we were younger you were mine (you were mine)(my boo) Now another brother's taken over but it’s still in you’re eyes (my boo)(you and i) Even though we use to argue it’s all right (my boo)(it's all right, it's ok) I know we haven’t seen each other in a whileBut you will always be my boo (Alicia Keys Rap) I don’t know about y’all but I know about us and It’s the only way we know how to rock I don’t know about y’all but I know about us and Thursday, November 11, 2004i have been ORDERED to write something for my koala bear. and mind you its ORDERED not on my own accord so you people don't get jealous i didn't write anything for you peeps k... ;)right... so i have nothing to say... and i'm desperately looking for words... great... *speechless*... oh great, and i gotta write something from the heart... how simple can my order get... *exasperated*.... okay okay... here goes... well erm... it's nice knowing you... though i wonder how long we'll keep in touch, but haish that's far away... erm and ya, thanks for standing by me and being there for me when i needed someone... i think my impression of you has fluctuated quite a lot from the time i knew you till now, there were many a times i regretted even getting close to you but then again, you'll always do something to make me change my impression and i suppose i can safely say now that you are someone i can depend on and i think i'll turn to you more often so ya... i just hope my decision isn't wrong... honestly i think our friendship has a super long way to go cause i think neither of us know each other that well huh... so ya... friends forever! and ya you continue being that nice person you are and go touch the lives of more people and get well soon! Argh… I’m suffering from severe mens cramps now and my nose just seems to keep running plus my throats killing me, I wonder what kind of germs my sis inherited to pass to me… jeez… just when I’m boasting around that I’m strong and telling people to take care and not get sick… how ironic… anyway, I’m like taking a break from the books(trying to make myself feel better actually) but ya… a break! Hehe… Well I’ve actually been thinking quite a lot these days and I’m starting to get really irritated, I don’t know why I just can’t seem to argh… never mind… * I don’t know what’s wrong with you, I mean one minute you act hysterical the next moment you’re so silent. Half the time you say you wanna try not to be so dependant, the next moment your actions contradict your words! You say its difficult, I can’t agree more because I know how it feels, but I mean if you’re putting yourself into the pit then stop whining and acting pitiful can? I’m really trying to keep my cool when I talk to you cause I know how it feels but if you’d been more determined and stop giving yourself excuses then maybe it’d have been much easier for me to give you advice. I know this sounds dumb but I think what I feel is hurting more than how you feel. But do you know that? No. I don’t need anyone to feel sad for me or to pity me but as a friend is it not possible to feel just a little more? I don’t mind you pouring to me your problems and fears but can you care a little more bout how I feel, I mean I’ve been in your position and my results are far worse. You keep saying you get close cause you’re afraid she’ll fall but do you think I really mean it when I said “I don’t care anymore”? No! You should know me better than that, since when have I not cared for anyone. No matter how pissed, hurt or angry I still care because that’s my nature. Know why I can’t tell you all these? Cause all you can do and will do is feel guilty and go all the way back to the beginning and every time you do that I feel like shaking you and screaming at you because I simply can’t comprehend why you keep saying “if only if only”. I mean isn’t it all over? Isn’t the past the past, can you change anything? No. It isn’t your fault I started the introduction, but whatever happened after that wasn’t my control, unless of course you knew something was coming but yet you didn’t stop. The only reason why anyone would feel guilty is because he/she has done something wrong. Have you? You know the answer clear inside your head. And face it, you don’t even want to distant yourself from her. Why don’t you stop lying and just tell everyone the truth. Do you know that I always have doubts about what you say because half the time I’m wondering if what you say are lies, and do you know how many of such examples I can give you? After this incident I finally know why some people just get so irritated because most of the things you tell us are just lies! Maybe it’s a way of protection, maybe you don’t want us to know the whole story, but if you don’t then can you kindly just not say anything at all cause the more I find out I’m being lied to, the more I start to distrust you. Maybe it’s because you’ve hurt me once before and now it’s another time so that’s why I find it hard to trust you, but can you at least make me convinced that holding on to this friendship isn’t wrong? I know this is harsh, I know this is hurting but please try to understand I’m being hurt so many more times than you, and what’s worse, I’m being hurt twice, by you. I may not have gone through a relationship but I’ve definitely matured and I do see things at a different angle now. I’m no longer that innocent, naïve person you once knew. Do you know why I can just throw myself at cin and show her my most vulnerable side? Well that’s simply because I know she won’t hurt me. Like me she’ll hurt herself before anyone else and that’s why I can pour out my sorrows to her, but I’m not sure you’ll do the same. You always apologize and self-blame but is that of any use? It’s not your fault you’re insensitive, it’s your nature. Everyone has a special character to make him/her unique and perhaps yours would be you insensitivity, and I understand that perfectly well, you don’t have to change yourself to make me feel better. It’s okay, the way you are is perfectly fine, but I just hope you’ll cut down on you lies. I know nothing will change because you feel to attached and I’m trying desperately to step out but I need time, and what I need most is comfort, not something that’ll make me feel worse. I know most of the times you just think maybe not telling me anything is better, maybe keeping stuff from me will make me feel better but I’ve got eyes, I can see, there’s only so much you can hide from me. I don’t know what’s my point of all these rantings, maybe it’s just to make myself feel better because I’m a straightforward person and I’ve been hiding all these feelings and thoughts for such a long time cause I don’t know how to say it straight in you face. I really don’t want to hurt anyone, especially not my friend. Maybe I’m saying all these cause I want you to know why I’m so mean towards you, why at times I even try to avoid you. I really don’t want to just suddenly burst out saying all these mean and hurting stuff, and so ya… I really pray for a day when all the things you say will be true, and give me some time to pick up myself and learn to trust you again okay… I hope that if you know it’s you I’m talking about, please don’t get too upset and disturbed…* |